Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike tries his hand at a daily story
Sun Jan 22, 2006 at 05:08:15 pm EST
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The Adventures of Alcheman #26 Part One
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The Adventures of Alcheman #26


“Vexed”


Note: this story takes place after the seminal “Intermediate Adventures of De Brown Streak #50,” where probability-manipulating mutate the Vermillion Vex used her powers to rescue DBS from oblivion, at the cost of his powers and the powers of nearly every other mutate on the globe.

Previously: The young hero Alcheman engaged in several acts of civil disobedience against what he saw as a conspiracy against superheroes, the end result being the establishment of an outlaw team of metahumans: the Joy Corps, with him as de facto leader. In addition to earning the enmity of the United States government, Michael has additional troubles. His mother is convinced he is losing his mind, a fear her secret, shameful paramour, the unalive Baron Ottokar Attila Kublai Tamerlane Zemo, is eager to exploit. Even worse, both Michael’s sisters and his former fiancée seem intent on finding him a girlfriend.

Baron Otto’s eyes burned with displeasure, “What do you mean, ‘You can’t get in?’”

The ectoplasmic figure wafting before him cowered, “House is warded! Warded!”

“Humph,” Otto fumed at this turn of events. The former National Socialist and part-time necromancer hadn’t expected Wooster to be canny enough to guard his house from spectral infestation. It complicated matters.

He pointed a gloved hand at the poltergeist, “I’m paying you and the rest of your Gaslight Gang a considerable sum to harrow that ärgerlich snot to the point of madness. Find a way in, or you’ll be back haunting bed and breakfasts to the bemusement of an endless procession of mouth-breathing tourists!!”

The ghost shuddered and vanished. The Baron, his rage for the moment slaked, went back to his correspondence.

*****


“Miss O’Mercy?” the voice in the broom closet whispered.    

Grace O’Mercy stopped in the hall outside the door. She was in the middle of her rounds, seeing to the sick and wounded of PhantomHawk Memorial Hospital as its Night Nurse.

The pale woman listened to her caller’s heartbeat. Its rhythm was measured and strong. Confident, not anxious. Grace walked over to the door and peered inside.

A former patient waited for her, “I’m sorry to come to you like this,” Alcheman apologized, “But I need your help.”

Grace stepped into the ill-lit room without any fear. The Elemental Adventurer may have been a wanted man, but she knew the man as he truly was: an earnest, if slightly undone hero.

“What is it?” Grace doubted it was Alcheman who needed medical aid: she would have smelled the blood.

“My friend is very sick. I think he might be poisoned. Unfortunately, he can’t be brought in for treatment.”

“He’s part of your team?” she asked.

Alcheman blinked in surprise at the question, “Yes. His name is Varmint. He was a mutate,” his face became very grave; “I think his losing his powers is killing him.”

*****


“Mutatesshhhh,” the looming figure in the frayed cape said to his audience, “I feel you pain. Reshhhent eventsh have taken away that what makessshhh you spesshhhial: your powersssshhhh.”

The half dozen former members of the homo peculiaris sat in the folding chairs set in a semi-circle around their speaker. It had been less than a week since the events of V-E-X Day, and already these people wanted a return to normalcy.

The strange man with the bone-white mein offered hope for such a revisitation, at least that was what his email said, “I can bring back what it issssh you desire most. For I, Misssshhhter Bend Sinisshhhter, can alter the very genesssh in your body. I can make you whole again. My price? Eternal sssshubshervience.”

“Wait, what did you say your name was?” the formerly Incredible Foldable Man asked.

“Missshhhhter Bend Sinissshter,” he repeated.

“Not Doctor Bend Sinister?” the previously peerless master contortionist checked, “I mean, if you can really do what you say, I would expect you to have some kind of degree.”

“Thosshhe fooolsssh at Cal Tech rejected my thesshhhissssh,” the arch geneticist tried to explain.

Another man had his doubts as well, “And why do you talk like that?”

“It’sssh my fangsssh. They are a ssshecondary mutatssshion.”

The man who could once animate tulle to do his bidding chuckled, “You want us to let you experiment on us, pledge our undying allegiance to you, when you can’t even fix your own snaggle-toothed dental work? Come on now.”

“BAH!” Bend Sinister gestured, and powerful bolts of green energy shot out from his hands, immolating all in the room save one: a tiny, swaybacked man dressed almost identically to him.

“There goes our security deposit,” the homunculus noted dourly.

Mister Bend Sinister rose to his full height and strode purposefully to the door, “Get me DNA ssshamplesssh, SNIPS. I’m going to check usssh out.”

SNIPS looked at the charred remnants sprawled across the hotel conference room. Then he sighed and pulled on his sample gathering gloves.

“Of all the mad scientists to be cloned from…” SNIPS muttered as he sifted though the ashes.

*****


Next: The Night Nurse pays a house call. Jenni and Trudi raise a ruckus. And Alcheman sets his sights on a very dangerous woman. Out tomorrow.

Footnotes:

Grace O’Mercy, the Night Nurse: First appeared way back in Untold Tales #140-something. Secretly a vampire, Miss O’Mercy has helped various heroes of the Parodyverse through a variety of ailments. She’s met Alcheman at least twice. For those interested there’s an excellent series of stories about her at:

http://www.chillwater.org.uk/HH/nurseindex.htm


Mr. Bend Sinister: is a new villain. Apparantly, he’s a mutate master geneticist who is looking for others of his kind to experiment on. SNIPS would be his Mini-Me (and ten points for anyone who can explain his name).



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